How I Almost Became a Suicide Girl

I knew I had a blog!

Okay, I had a whole thing to do, with talking points and little notes in my brain, and now I’m too excited that I remembered where my blog was to remember what I was going to do with it.

Oh yeah! I’m gonna fill in the “Enter title here” part now.

So I’m looking for part time jobs, and there’s an ad on Craig’s List to apply to be a Suicide Girl for some event, or just some photos, or punching faces for all I apparently knew about Suicide Girls.

Did you know Suicide Girls is softcore porn? You did? You and like, everyone else, huh?

Wanna know what happened?

I was so super excited to hear back from them that I showed my Mom their website. And then, with a 20-20 hindsight nightmare soundtrack now included in my memory, Mom clicked on “Pictures”.

I’d never been to their website before. Mom said she saw a lady…you know, probably with a cock in her mouth. I didn’t see that one but that’s probably because I was wishing I were dead after seeing vagina. Also, how is that softcore? I thought softcore was Cinemax and people pretending to do stuff under undulating sheets. You know, allusions. Repeated allusions.

But I saw all this for the first time with my mother. Who thought, at the time, that I totally knew about all this and I was going to let people pay me to photograph my junk.

Which is why I now hate Suicide Girls and their stupid advertising with their stupid classy punk pin-up look and their lying liar faces that are still very pretty and can probably do math and stuff.

I don’t have any other talking points or graphs or anything. But I will have pictures soon! Talented Soul Calibur player and professional photographer Todd Eko is going to shoot me a few times with the classy stuff I thought I was getting into, and also do headshots or whatever it is that aspiring people have in their portfolios.

This has just now cemented the inevitable; at some point, I’m going to write about a photographer and there’s going to be puns and irony and dead people.

But mostly puns.

Things That I’ve Seen When I’m Not in Control of the TV

  • A sink spewing animal blood because the renter was using his apartment as a giant Japanese back-kitchen.
  • An entire room infested with carpet bugs because the person somehow didn’t notice them.
  • Truckers driving and that’s it. Just footage of truckers, driving. For entertainment.
  • A bucket of roadkill guts because art.
  • UK border control and absolutely everyone being polite. Tense music plays.
  • A shitload of ghost-busters.

Historians, studying us, are either going to be saying “I say, what is this Situation?” or “Yes, this was around the time the world changed into a new era.”

Of what, I’m terrified of.

What I get to see when I do have control of the TV is Sterling Archer having a complicated Oedipus Complex.

Bleach and Ninjas

Sure, okay, so I’m a pretty private person or whatever. But I suck at using bleach as a cleaner. The windows are all open now and I’m hoping, I don’t know, I don’t wake up with a cloud-white hand with a hunger for human flesh.

So yesterday I went and saw this doctor guy. He was a huge fan of Stephen King so he understood right away the dork tattoo I have on my wrist of that Ka logo. That was pretty cool. I won’t hear back about the results for a little while, so I get to twiddle my bleachy thumbs for a couple of weeks I guess.

Not really comfortable just yet talking about what’s up with that. For now I’ll just say that maybe this one time I saved, like, a whole building’s worth of ghost people. It was pretty frickin’ ninja except for that other ninja who was a bad ninja, just ninja-ing it up all in my face, and was like “Here, have a lifetime’s worth of ninja stars in your face”.

That was a rude ninja.

Toilet Paper and Riddick

Today I woke up in horrible┬ápain, which I fixed by repeatedly punching myself in the stomach until I don’t have one anymore. I now subsist entirely on the souls of the damned.

That aside, it’s been a good day. I bought toilet paper! Which means I left the house. I don’t do that very often. It’s a side effect of being an internet writer, maybe. Or maybe if I go out too often my hundreds of hours of playing Riddick games will surface in the real world and I’ll just disappear one day, leaving a trail of cracked necks and bloodied Ulaks.

By the way, who the hell survives being stabbed in the neck? Only Gail Revas. Because apparently her only weakness is a hard-on for Riddick. I figured out the hidden plot, see. Revas is fucking crazy as balls. That’s the short version of it. The rest of the time she’s all “He’s just playing who’s the better killer, we’re gonna bone at the end of this.” And then Riddick’s all “You’re a crazy bitch, you can’t turn innocent people into mindless zombie drones,” and she, of course, has a bitch-fit and the worst case of “If I can’t have you, nobody can. Also my neck is immortal. Have a space rocket up your ass, courtesy of the little girl you didn’t bother to try to take with you at all.”

Because bottom line is Riddick is also crazy as balls and while he won’t kill kids, he’s apparently fine with leaving them to starve on a giant dead Venus-flytrap-inspired ship.

Is also abandoned because she never shows up in the whole Riddick universe again.

"I just watched my Mommy die. Can I come with you? No? Okay, Ill still be happy when you come back and Ive taken your advice to heart of being a monster myself."

Riddick’s not even an anti-hero, he’s an all-out criminal homicidal maniac who only uses people to help himself. Sure, he shed a tear when Jack/Kira died in Chronicles, ┬ábut…okay, I guess that’s a sign of having some kind of soul. Still, I’m betting right now that the next movie to come out this January has no mention of her whatsoever, and Starbuck is the next Fry.

Basically, in Riddick world, you’re only safe if you have a vagina and show a vague interest in homicidal territory. Or you’re a kid. Even then, in both cases, you always get the fuck-end of the life-stick.

So if you ever see a bald dude with black goggles, hop on the next ship to “Nope, never heard of this guy Riddick” planet.

I still can’t friggin’ wait to see the new movie.